Your Flight Delay Survival Guide

There are certain things that happen to you when your flight gets delayed.

By three hours.

After the initial shock wears off, various other feelings start to emerge. You feel as though you should be allowed to do anything.

You feel somewhat entitled.

Somewhat rebellious.

Somewhat angry.

A little bit…trapped….and yet… a little bit free?

Yes, you have nowhere else to go. You are bound to the airport.

But now…you are free to make your own rules! You’ve earned it. You are both a captive AND an instigator. You, my friend, are running loose in the airport.

So how do you pass the hours?

First things first: Abandon all sense of normal.

You are creating a New Normal.

Welcome! Bienvenidos! Edelweiss! Merci!

Number 1.

Take little fun pack of Jello out of your purse---the one you forgot you stowed in there this morning for lunch---and rip off lid. Don’t even attempt to use lid as a spoon. You are past that. Squeeze plastic container and suck oozing lava-like Jello right from top. Ignore people as they stare. Better yet, stare back and smile. Waive! Enjoy the moment. It is dear.

Number 2.

Spirit Airlines is trying to charge you $40 dollars to carry on ONE little suitcase? Excuse me? Perdon? ARE YOU SERIOUS? When did airlines start stripping you of your last traveling rights? First your water bottle, now your carry-on bag? No. Not today! Go to the self-check in and touch the “0 Bags” carried on button on the screen. Scroll over the “Bags Checked” screen and select “0” on that one too. Print boarding pass. Quickly. Do it.

Number 3.

Get in security line but wait until very big family with sixteen kids gets in front of you. The person checking your ticket will likely be flustered and will now possibly miss words that say “No carry-on” even though you obviously are dragging suitcase behind you. Observe family and sixteen children as they horrify attendant. Nonchalantly stroll up to desk and slide your ticket over to attendant while she is collecting herself… Hold breath, expect to be sent back to the ticketing area…. Get passed through to X-ray!  SCORE! You have made it to Security.

Number 4.

Set off alarms with button on your jeans. Maybe it is your navel jewelry. Put your arms over your head as futuristic laser beam scans your body up and down while, behind wall, little airport men with mustaches comment on how boring your underwear is. Get the A-OK. Put your belt back on. Congratulate yourself all of your liquids made it off conveyor belt even though they were not in 1 qt. baggie.

Number 5.

Now you are in Terminal 3! Find the one person playing ukelele in airport and listen to him strum a happy acoustic version of Outcast’s “Hey-Ya” while foreigners whip out cameras and take precious airport footage. Watch foreigners dance to ukelele music. Dance with foreigners from your corner in mutual spirit. Join foreigners if you are really ballsy. Enjoy the applause. Make decision that Ukelele Guy was really sent from Airport Heaven to entertain stranded travelers.

Number 6.

Buy book. Very raunchy one. Decide against "Shades of Grey" because you are not that desperate. But pick out thriller. Or scandal. Something with murder and sex in it.

Don’t forget the murder.

And the sex.

Number 7.

Go to bar. You deserve a beer. It does not matter it is middle of the week. Drink the beer. Do it. Peer pressure yourself. Make friends. Talk to other people also stranded on their way to Motor City. Or ignore them. Pretend you are a Princess or a Sheik and they are not allowed to speak to you. You can do whatever you like: YOUR FLIGHT HAS BEEN DELAYED.

But do not be a douche. You can be silent and powerful, just keep that decision to yourself.

Number 8.

Buy salad and sit on floor. Yes. Chair next to thousand screaming babies is comfy and all, but you want to sprawl out. Make very big scene as you shake your salad like a maraca and evenly coat your greens with Paul Newman’s Southwestern dressing. People-watch as you eat your salad. Decide Paul Newman must have been really stellar guy.

Number 9.

Go for walk and try to find Australian accent. Check. Keep walking and look for someone in very trashy looking outfit. Check! Look for Southern girl in bookstore telling cashier she is 22 years old and “Shades of Grey” is the first book she has ever wanted to read. Check.

Number 10.

Saunter on and count number of attractive men you hope are sitting next to you on your plane…

Why are there no attractive men in this airport?

Lower standards.

And, wait for it….

Yes! There are many interesting prospects. Consider walking up to one such prospect and striking up conversation:

“So… Oh, hi there! What? You’re stranded too? Ah, you’re going to Detroit. You know, we should have road-tripped together. It is the Motor City, you know! Lots of engines revving. Damn, we could’ve been there by now… you, me, our Ford... Could’ve been one hell of a ride...” 

Smile suggestively and bat eyelashes devilishly.


Realize you are talking to poster. Note you are insane. Continue on your walk.

Number 10.

McDonald’s makes chocolate dipped ice cream cones? YES. Sprint to counter right before they close at 10pm and beg for one. Take dipped ice cream and sit in empty chair. Really enjoy eating your ice cream cone. I mean really enjoy it. Ignore strange man watching you eat your ice cream cone. Shake your foot up and down. There is music playing. Don't worry only you can hear it. It is a good song. Rock out and eat ice cream cone. Finish ice cream, scrunch up your napkin, and 3-point shoot  paper wad into nearest garbage can. High five random French guy walking next to you as you run through halls like you have just won National Conference.

Number 11.

Sit down and actually wait for plane. Strike up conversation about merits of Mizunos vs. Brooks vs. minimalist shoes with couple across from you that runs distance races. Write a 'How-To Guide' while sitting in your comfy chair. Listen to screaming babies. Learn your flight has been delayed by close to 4 hours because THERE IS NO CREW to fly plane. Crew is missing. Where is crew. Decide Spirit’s promise to give everyone a $50 credit “should you choose to fly with Spirit again” is a bunch of bullshit.

Number 12.

Definitely decide to open a can of DETROIT on lady if she gives you hell about your smuggled suitcase. Realize lady is aware it is 12:30 in morning and she already senses you will open a can of whoop-ass on her so she lets you go through anyway.

Number 13.

Board plane.

Number 14.

Listen to flight attendant do stand-up routine no one wants to hear. Silently curse flight attendant.

Number 15.

Buckle seat belt.

Number 16.
Decide making your own rules in airport when your flight is delayed is only way to go.

Number 17.

Congratulate yourself for eating Jello like rock-star, defying Baggage Laws, and making friends with strangers.

Thank you for flying Spirit Air, and fuck you very much.

We hope you enjoyed your flight!
  

******PS: Those fuckers delayed my flight again on the way back to Chicago. AND made me pay for my bag.