Random Thoughts Before Midnight---* or "Cinderella's Gonna Turn into a Pumpkin"

Mouse Noose

1. When Mama said 'there would be days like this,' did she know that sometimes tomorrow would still suck a little bit more than the day before? Where's her song for that? Oh that's right, Mama didn't write a little ditty for that. That is why doctors prescribe Xanax. It is also why cookies exist.

2. If I could be a cookie, I'd be a Nutella cookie. With a big glob of peanut butter in the middle. Or maybe a peanut butter cookie with a big glob of Nutella. They both sound delicious. It makes me want to bake. Except I don't know how to bake. No one ever taught me. And I just had two margaritas. And someone who can't bake who just had two margaritas should never turn on an oven.

3. Do Cobblers like cobbler pie? Or do they find it ironic and un-funny. I feel that if I were a cobbler, I would constantly want to eat pie while fixing shoes. I'd also insist my name was Gus. Of note, my Cobbler's name IS Gus. He's not really MY cobbler because I only went to him once. It's just that I feel important when I say I have a Cobbler. So I am possibly a liar. But damn, can Gus can fix a pair of boots.

4. When people say they wish they were a fly on the wall, are they really thinking about the consequences of being a fly on the wall? Life would be forever altered. What if you could never revert back to human form? What if someone smacked you with a newspaper and you scrunched up and bit the big one? What does it even mean to 'bite the big one'? What does 'the big one' even mean, really. Obviously, it's death. But is death like a big putrid sandwich we're biting into? Is it like a big piece of plywood that cracks your teeth open? All of that for a bit of gossip. That is why gossip is bad and why people who watch TMZ should die.

5. When you see sharp objects or seemingly ordinary objects that are somewhat dangerous-looking, do you automatically think, 'Gosh, you could kill someone with that"......? Because I do. Straws? They're weapons. I know so from Physics class in high school. With just the right velocity, you could stab a hole in someone's neck. Said person would die. Tiny piece of plastic you can tie into a cherry stem knot? Well that's a noose for a mouse. It's true. You could hang a mouse with that. Why is that the first thing I think of when I see a tiny piece of plastic on the ground? It's because I'm sick and twisty. Mouse Noose. What about a broken window pane? Obviously an opportunity to off someone like in the movie 'Ghost' when the bad guy bites the big one.

 And that's what you get for fucking with Patrick Swayze.

Ditto.