Count not thy Chickens

I currently cannot decide if I am incredibly jaded or incredibly wise.

I am caught in thought.

Is it better to be excited until you have a reason NOT to be, or to remain unexcited until you have a reason TO be?

Years of experience have taught me the latter. Does this make me bitter or smart? Cautious or closed off?

I have recently made more of an attempt in my personal and professional life to remain neutral. I have come to embrace the notion that it is not the outcome of an event that steals our inner peace, it is the attachment to certain outcomes that is the culprit.

By attaching ourselves to outcomes that don't occur, we have created a fantasy that is difficult and sometimes painful with which to part.  But had we not attached ourselves to the idea of something before it happened, perhaps then we would not have experienced such letdowns.

Looking back on many past events, it was the attachment to the outcomes that took my peace, not necessarily that the desired outcomes didn't occur.

I, at one point, had the frame of mind that it was silly to only be pleasantly surprised when things did go our way. That cutting off our minds and hearts from the daydream of possibilities was a horrible waste of our souls. Now, a few years later, I look at that former thought as a bit naive and a tad too optimistic. Even though I practice optimism as often as I can, I don't always think it is the course of action.

Because I have seen all too many people have their hearts stomped upon when a relationship didn't take off, when they didn't get that job, and when they didn't get that big part. I've experienced these things firsthand, as well. And just like I have trained myself to go to an audition and give it my all but then walk away and forget about it (because that is the only way us artists can possibly go about our lives and not let the sting of rejection poison our bodies) I feel as though I have trained myself in a similar way to subdue expectation and anticipation in other parts of my life, as well. It is a defense mechanism, of course. So I can protect myself until I have reason to let excitement permeate my soul.

But it is a defense that I don't think is altogether ridiculous.

There's that old saying "Do not count your chickens before they're hatched." That saying has been around for hundreds of years for a reason.

Counte not thy Chickens that vnhatched be,
Waye wordes as winde, till thou finde certaintee.

Thomas Howell, 1570

And I sincerely don't know if this means I have simply grown wiser, or if I used to be eternally hopeful, or if now I am just a jaded old woman.

Perhaps now I just have a more adult way of blending together both sentiments.

Hope and disconnect.

Two totally different frames of mind.

But perhaps they CAN co-exist peacefully?

Because it is not that I have abandoned hope or expectation altogether.

I have just learned to take things day by day. And I don't think that's necessarily wrong.

 

 To see my more optimistic thoughts on this matter from May, 2010 check out
 Great Expectations. 

The Dangerous "What If"

Sometimes we choose one path instead of another. Make strange choices. Do silly things. Take actions that seem right in the moment, but after the fact, lead us down a spiral of self-doubt and regret.

Which way???

*

If I had said this, things would be different.


If I had done that, everything would have worked out.

*





If I hadn't hurt my knee, I would have had a faster race time.

If I hadn't stolen that boyfriend, he never would have broken my heart.

If I'd gotten into UC London, I never would have ended up locked away in Scotland.

If I had taken my cell phone, they would have found us sooner.

If I'd waited longer to sleep with X, we would have dated.

If I hadn't admitted a crush on Y, we could have met up for a beer.

If only I'd made up with her in person before she died...

If I hadn't cheated on my 5th grade test, I never would have lived a life of crime.

If only I had lost ten more pounds...


If only I'd just memorized that entire side....

If only I hadn't bombed that audition....

*
That rogue little "IF" is a dangerous idea to dance with.

Did we do the right thing, say the right thing, make the right decision?

The truth is, we agonize over what we've done and what we've said when the outcome is not what we expected. When we cannot find an answer to explain what has happened, we play the "What If" game. And it is only after our brains have gone through the limitless possibilities that we are able to rest. Our minds are wired to see a better outcome, and because we are all masochistic to a degree, we almost enjoy pressing repeat on scenario after more attractive scenario. We all do this. All of us.

And we only do this when things go wrong. You will rarely see someone who has had a successful outcome mull over his decisions and say, "Why did I do that!"



If Zack asks Kelly out and Kelly says yes, you won't see Zack moping about saying, "I never shoulda let Kelly know I liked her."


Now if Slater asks Kelly out and she says no, it is likely that Slater will be wondering if the outcome would have been different had he done something differently.


But who is to say that the other side of the "IF" wasn't right?


Perhaps it was meant to be.


Perhaps it's not necessarily that Slater should have never asked Kelly out in the first place-- it's not even that he should have asked her out in a less macho way-- it is more likely that Slater's attempts failed not because of something he did, but rather, because it was Zack who was always meant to be with Kelly.

The magical "if" does not exist.

It is something we create to alleviate wonder and prolong obsession.

The "if"game is something we play to distract us from life.

Because the other side of "if" IS life.

And who is to say that these bobbles, these outcomes, these events weren't always meant to happen?



Who is to say that life has not conspired to take us down the path we're currently traveling.

Sure, it is satisfying/torturous to romanticize about the way things could have gone, but the truth is, that's not life. That's daydreaming.


If you look at life from a fatalist point of view, you could have done this or that, but you were really only turning a page in a story that has already been written.


We're just filling in the details however we like.


And,  yes, perhaps we could have said or done things differently, but what if the major points in our lives have already been designed for us and whatever actions we take are the right course of actions because it takes us closer to that next designated point?

What if life throws us this wrench and that wrench at us and puts this roadblock up and knocks us down a few times because those events are crucial in getting us to the next part of our journey?

What if the world is truly knocking us down so that we will find ourselves ready for the good stuff.

So this is what I choose to believe.

And when I find myself playing the "IF" game, I will now say, "Well, then what?"

And then "So what."

The other side of "If" is what's real. It is our fiber, our choices, our mistakes, our paths. And we are meant to be walking these roads.

When things don't go my way, I will no longer wonder "What if..."

I will now say, "What's next."

Because it's coming.

And it's going to be good.