Traitor to my gender

I love women. I AM one. We are shiny and lacy and pretty and opinionated.

But I also find some women awful.  Sometimes I wish I were a man. Sometimes.

And I feel like a snot for thinking this about certain women, but I do.

Particular women.

These are some women I find particularly troublesome and/or annoying:


1. Women who wear shoes they can't walk in. 

Why would you do this to yourself? The truth is, if it doesn't fit in the store, it's not going to fit at home. Don't waste your time trying to break it in. Do you realize you look dumb with 3 band-aids on your ankle? Look at it this way. Would you buy a shirt that left gashes on your stomach? No. Then why do you think it's okay to buy a shoe that leaves gashes on your toes. Exactly. You should not buy shoes you can't walk in. You do not look sexy. You look like you are about to topple over. Take off your stilettos and your 6-inch platforms and own up to a nice pair of sensible flats.

2.  Women with east coast Manhattan accents. 

I'm sorry, I just think you sound silly. 


3. Women who look like hookers.

I know that I am guilty of fashion errors, I did wear far too many mismatched socks up until...well, okay, I still wear mismatched socks (I blame Punky Brewster for this undying habit) but I do not dress like a hooker. There is a classy way to show off your goods. I'm all for a plunging neckline and a short short skirt. Just usually not at the same time. We have friends and mirrors to let us know when we look ridiculous. Let's use them.


4. Arm candy women hanging from the arms of rich men.

We all know women like this. They dress the part, say yes,  like money, flashy cars, parties, and Flirtinis. Any woman who orders a Flirtini should just....okay, back to the real matter. These women are beautiful. You secretly want to look like them.  And I will preface this by saying some loving couples just happen to BE rich and beautiful. They are lovely and blessed. Seriously, they will have beautiful families and lovely stories and tender happy lives. But there are some couples where this is blatantly not the case. There are some women who use their men. Men buy these women breast implants, cars, jewelry, pay their rent, take them to villas, etc. Some women know they can get what they want. They are sorceresses divine. These women are beautiful and dangerous. They are the sirens of the world and what makes them dangerous is that they are quite aware of their beauty and how to use it for evil.

And for rent.