These Smiling Crying Strangers

She had a ridiculous grin on her face.

Sometimes I wonder why people have an ear to ear grin taking over their heads.

This particular offender walked down the street smiling at nothing in particular, her smile sitting stupidly smack-dab in the center of her face, clogging up the sidewalk as I tried to pass her.

"Why was she smiling to herself like a fool," I thought to myself. Had she just gotten a job? Been proposed to? Found out she'd won the lottery? Heard a funny joke?

And then sometimes, I whisk away my jaded bitter self, and remember that I have, at times, been that person too.

I have been that person for many reasons....because I had just gotten good news, because I had a good date, because I was in love, just scored a lead in a show, someone told me something silly, or I'd seen something beautiful and meaningful---many different reasons had made me burst out into a silly offensive grin that made no sense to other people.

And I admit, sometimes I get very distressed by these people who are smiling. Don't they know they look like idiots? At other times, I think it is magical--their inability to mask their happiness--the sheer gloriousness that is bubbling from within them and spilling out from their cells in an uncontrollable, unapologetic smile.

But what is even more fascinating to me than these random strangers smiling, is our inability as humans to hide extreme emotion. Maybe not all people, I'm sure some people can hide their emotions and put a lid on it. But for the visceral many (or few?), emotion dances upon our faces in ways that we cannot control or are unwilling to control.

The most fascinating of this type of behavior is the person you pass on the street who is crying. Perhaps it is one tear, perhaps it is someone sobbing, perhaps it is the person on the train who is looking down so no one will see their eyes...

The same unbridled emotion that causes someone to smile is the same unbridled emotion that causes someone to cry...It is bubbling emotion, uncappable emotion--but instead of overflowing happiness, it is overflowing sadness. Pain. Despair. Hopelessness. Helplessness.

As I cross these people as they walk down the street, tears sweetly streaming down their cheeks, I wonder why they are crying...

Have they just lost a friend, a parent, a job, a lover? Has someone just dashed their dreams, broken their heart, left them, hurt them....Do they feel as if they don't know the way....Has someone died......Is someone sick....Are they just lost....I see these people and I always wonder what their pain is. I wonder why they walk these streets and grieve. They mourn the loss of something, and are so overcome with their pain that they simply must be present with it.

And in moments of compassion, I soberly understand I have been that person too.

I have been that young woman crying in public.

Perhaps at first trying to hide the tears but then giving in to the emotion, realizing that nothing I can do will stop the tears from their descent. It is in these moments that you give in to the pain and you just let it be. Because at that point, who cares who sees your despair. It is present and it has overcome you and to hide it would hurt even more. So you let the tears fall.

...And yes... It is because a lover has hurt you, left you; it is because family has passed away, it is because your family is hurting; it is because you feel alone or trapped or lost or betrayed. It is impossible to hide the pain, so you don't try anymore. You let the pain exist. This extreme emotion that once bubbled over and made you smile like a fool has now bubbled over and made you cry like a fool.

It is truly devastatingly beautiful. 

Because when you live in the city, you are a soul in transit, and sometimes you must walk with your sadness.

I continue to pass these strangers, and when I see the crying man or the smiling woman, I try to give them my understanding. I silently wish them well, whatever they might be dealing with--whether it is beautiful or devastating.

Because, I daresay many of us have walked these streets, as well. 

And we can only hope that us souls in transit will continue to smile more than we will cry.